Married Life
by Margje
Summary: July 1919 Thomas and Kitty are married for six months now and they're living in a small house in London. They're enjoying each other and their life together. Meanwhile, they consider their joint future life
1. Chapter 1

Juli 1919

Kitty has been waking up early. She quickly gets up, sneaks into the kitchen and puts water in the teakettle to make some tea for herself. Whilst the water in the kettle sings, she muses about the past few months.

The return to England. The married life with Thomas, in London. The so far unsuccessful attempts to detect Sylvie. The meeting with the mother of Thomas, a sweet little woman with bright blue eyes, which Thomas obviously inherited from her.

She looks out of the window, the darkness of short night disappears and the sun is rising yet.

She pours the boiling water into the teapot. Her daydream continues and she concludes that life is a good thing. Suddenly she feels very grateful.

Tea is ready and she gets herself a cup. She takes a few sips, then she turns quickly to the sink and vomits.

* * *

When Thomas wakes up, he finds out that is Kitty already risen. Kitty often wanders through the house in the early mornings. He's used to that now.

He goes looking for her and finds her in the kitchen. She's bent over the sink and vomits.

He is startled by the sight of her, she is chalky white and trembles. Thomas installs her in a chair, he gently washes her face and wipes the wisps of hair from her face. He puts his hand on her forehead and looks at her with a worried face.

"You're not okay," he notes, while thoughts are raging through his head. The flu? Not the flu, dear God no, not the flu! It can't be, the epidemic is almost over and Kitty has had a mild form, she should be immune.

Kitty looks at him with big eyes, smiling with a small, lopsided smile, saying: "I'm fine"

Of course he doesn't believe that and he looks at her once more searchingly. He gets up to fetch his bag with instruments, but Kitty stops him.

She tells him to sit down and have a cup of tea..

He pours in tea for both of them, stirs in milk and sugar, and puts her cup in front of her. He looks at Kitty , she's leaning against the back of the chair, her eyes are closed.

"Tea, love," he says. "Don't let it get cold," and as Kitty makes no move to pick up her cup, he asks: "What's going on?"

Kitty opens her eyes and looks at him. "You're going to be a father, Thomas Gillan, that's what's going on," she replies with a small smile on her face.

He looks completely blank at her. "Father?," he asks and lifts a brow. Then, understanding dawns, he smiles and sighs "Oh".

He turns Kitty from her chair and the two of them sit togheter in one chair, his arms around her, her head against his chest and his face hidden in her hair.

He sighs again: "That's wonderful." He lifts her head, puts his hand on her cheek and kisses her softly.

They look at each other, smiling, and they both have no words for this miracle.  
.


	2. Chapter 2

_Sorry for the late updating, but here's a new chapter. Enjoy!_

* * *

In the small kitchen Kitty cooks tonight's dinner. Meanwhile, her thoughts wander off to her first marriage, more than ten years ago now.

She then stood at the head of a household, but in reality that household functioned like a well oiled machine, so there was no need for Kitty to interfere. She only approves the cook's menu. All the daily and dirty chores were done for her, without her even knowing it.

If she thinks back, it was actually an empty life, overshadowed by the fear of her then-husband and his aggressive, unpredictable behavior.

Until Sylvie was born. Kitty experienced the birth of her first child as a miracle without parallel. Elliot was deeply disappointed and angry that it was only a girl. He desired a son, a successor.

And he made that very clear. When Kitty two years after Sylvie's birth miscarried, he was furious. Nothing stopped him in his anger. Mistreatment and abuse, fear for his next tantrum and ultimately the fear of her life were the reasons she eventually fled with Sylvie.

That was also fully exploited by Elliot. With the result that Kitty had not seen her daughter for more than four years now.

Her present life could not be more different than the life she led more than ten years ago.  
No parade of servants, no endless social obligations, no fear of her husband. She's pregnant, that's the only similarity. And unlike her first pregnancy, she is married to a man who loves her and cares for her.

And now the household's her job. They're living in a small, modest house, there is an occasional worker to clean and do the laundry. The rest of the household is the task of Kitty. And she enjoys it, she does like it. But she never ever considered that it is such a chore to cook a proper, tasty dinner.

During her upbringing were other things more important, such as playing the piano, lighthearted and meaningless conversation and especially good manners.

In the hospital in France, she learned making beds, scrubbing pots and dress wounds. Tough work, but also really satisfying.

She just never learned how to cook. She could make tea and bake an egg, that was all she mastered.

In those early days of their marriage, the food she had been cooking turned out disastrous. Undercooked, overcooked, burnt, it all happened to her. No salt in the food or too much salt in the food by which they were nearly poisoned.

Thomas always manfully ate his plate empty. He didn't complain about her cooking skills and to encourage her, he told her that in his youth, he ate mostly every day the same food, mainly potatoes with dripping, or just bread. Back then, it was a blessing when he and his family got enough to eat at all, according to Thomas.

He had once even tried to help her. He peeled potatoes with surgical precision, but when it came to cook them, he knew no more than Kitty how doing it. Then, he bought her a cookbook as a gift. But it didn't help Kitty and she was horrified because she could not turn a decent meal on the table.

And then, after a couple of weeks in which she struggled with the cooking, Thomas's parents came to visit them in London.

Kitty had never met them. That fact alone was enough to make her nervous.

She had no idea how his parents were and she worried if she would be accepted by them Kitty could only compare them with her own parents, her father, who was deceased long ago, and her mother, who had declared her dead.

Thomas had told Kitty that she should not worry about his parents, they were good, lovely people. He was convinced that Kitty would get along well with them.

But Kitty was also concerned about what she would cook for his parents. How on earth could she give them decent food?

When Kitty told him that the food took her a bunch of headaches, Thomas had laughed and said: "Don't worry about it. When my mother arrives, everything will be all right, you'll see."

That did not reassure Kitty, but Thomas had been right. When she and Thomas went to the station to pick them up, Kitty was astonished when she saw how glad both Thomas and his parents were to see each other again. They were obviously happy and in the presence of his parents, Thomas was just a loving and beloved son.

His parents were lovely. His father was a quiet and sober man, twisted, but with shiny eyes and snowy hair and enormous, calloused hands. His mother was a small woman, with radiant blue eyes, open-hearted and affectionate.

When they arrived in their small house, Kitty had provided them with tea and after a while she had - way too soon, of course-, departed to the kitchen to prepare the food.

Within a few minutes, Thomas's mother had followed her, and if it was the most natural thing in the world, she had been entered into an apron and said, "Well Kitty, what do you want me to do?"

Kitty, with red spots of agitation in her face, looked at her.

"I do not know, " she stammered. "I never know where to begin, and though I read a recipe so good yet, then the food is still wrong and it fails. I cannot cook, I cannot even give you a decent meal."

Thomas mother smiled, looked at what Kitty had on display and said: "Every beginning is difficult. I'll help you. We'll manage."

And so it happened. Kitty and Thomas's mum cooked dinner together, as if they had never done anything else. It had been a good and tasty meal.

The wonder was that Kitty, while they were cooking, had poured her heart out to Thomas's mother. She had told her about Sylvie, the fact that she had a daughter, whom she had not seen for years.

She knew that Thomas had not told his parents about her past and about Sylvie, but his mother was a nice and understanding woman. Kitty could not imagine why she would not know, it seemed foolish not to tell her.

Thomas mother stayed a while with them. She helped Kitty out and after a few weeks she went back to Scotland. Kitty missed her, not only for the good advice and cooking classes, but mainly as a mother. Thomas's mother knew how cruel it was not being able to see your own child. And also because she was not hampered by conventions or prejudices, she loved and accepted Kitty just the way she was. And Kitty loved her for that.

And today, thanks to the mother of Thomas, Kitty was able to prepare a decent meal

She hears a key cracking in the lock and there is Thomas, coming home after work.

* * *

**I would be glad about feedback. Your questions, comments and suggestions are very welcome. I'd really like to hear from you. Greets!**


	3. Chapter 3

Thomas finished his work early. It is quiet in the hospital so he decides to go home early today.

On the way home, he thinks of his life nowadays. How is it possible that he, a simple boy from Glasgow, has achieved this. He can't still imagine, he survived the war, made a career. He's married to the sweetest woman in the world and there's a baby on the way.

Marriage has changed him. He is less impatient, more relaxed. He's happy with Kitty.

It hasn't always been easy. He even recalls the shock when he found out how Kitty was haunted by the shades of her past. The nightmares, the poor sleep, the memory of her first husband. He wished he could change it to something better and he tries to protect Kitty as much as possible. And who knows, maybe, if the baby is born, the memory of that creep will fade away.

Then he arrives at home and opens the door. Kitty is busy in the kitchen and that pulls a quick smile on his face. He thinks back and remembers how much effort it took her to run a decent meal together. How his mother came to her aid. How those two, his mother and Kitty, got along so well with each other.

He enters the kitchen and sees Kitty, standing at the stove. She stirs with a ladle in a pan and has a deep wrinkle on her forehead.

He walks over to her, standing behind her and while placing his arms round her, he kisses her neck and says, "Mmmm, smells good sweetheart".

Kitty reacts quasi wronged: "It will burn though, if you keep holding me so tight."

"Didn't mean the food," Thomas responds with a straight face.

"Oh Thomas, " Kitty tries to turn around, giggling.

He cannot keep his face straight and laughs with her, turning her around.

"But, you know what, you'll burn it, I'll eat it."

Kitty waves the ladle towards him whilst she says: "I thought you had a better opinion of your wife. I would never give you burnt food, at least, not nowadays."

Thomas grabs the ladle, hold it firmly, saying: "No one has a higher opinion of your cooking skills than your loving husband." He chuckles while Kitty rolls her eyes.

"Give me that spoon," she requires.

"Only if you ask it nicely ," Thomas responds.

"Dear loving husband, would you be so kind and give me back my spoon? Please?" Kitty asks and she stands, waiting and laughing.

"Oh well. But first a decent welcome, " he replies.

She looks at him, laughs and then kisses him. "Welcome home, dear."

* * *

After their meal, they are still at the table, Kitty tells that she today encountered Matron Carter. Matron had told her that she is soon going to India for a year.

"Really?" Asks Thomas.

"Yes, and she had a request for me, " says Kitty.

The fact is that Matron has always stayed in contact with Joan Livesy. Joan is still imprisoned and Matron visits her as much as she can, which practically is once a month.

"Oh, " says Thomas. He rubs his hand over his forehead and frowns, he has an idea of where this conversation is going. He thinks that he doesn't like it.

"Matron asked if I would visit Joan in her place. Otherwise, she will get no visitor." says Kitty. "Joan will probably set free soon, but in the meantime, it would be so annoying if no one visited her," talks Kitty further. "I'd like go, I found Joan a nice girl. What do you think?"

Thomas is silent. He thinks that it is a very bad idea. He is searching for the words when Kitty looks at him and says: "You don't like it, do you?"

"No, I don't like the idea of you visiting Joan" he responds.

"Why not?"

"Because she brought us all in danger back then, because" and then Kitty interrupts him, her cheeks flaming red.

"That's not true, that's a ridiculous thing to say" she says. "What danger was there, really? She only went to see her fiancé."

"Yes, and that fiancé happened to be a German. And in case you've forgotten, we were at war with Germany at the time."

He feels the anger rising through his body. He doesn't want to be angry with Kitty, but he has never understood the compassion she showed towards Joan.

"I don't want you to..." and Kitty interrupts him again.

"Do not tell me what I should or should not do, Thomas Gillan. Don't try to forbid me to do something you don't approve."

She suddenly falls silent, like she scared herself with her harsh words.

He looks at her, she is very angry too. Fierce, stubborn, with red cheeks and flickering eyes. God, he loves her, even if she's angry. He softens and speaks with a calm and low voice:

"I would never ever forbid you anything. I won't."

She is silent for a while, looks into his eyes and eventually, with a wobbly voice, she says:

"I won't visit her if that's a problem for you. But lets talk about it. Never ever try to forbid me something. I can't bear that.

I will not do it behind your back, I want to be honest with you. But you have to give me some space, you know."

She thinks back, remembering how things went on when she was married to Elliot. He often forbade her the things she wanted to do and so she did it secretly, hiding it from Elliot. She doesn't want to do that now, she wants to be clear with Thomas.

He leans over to her and caresses her hand. "I'm also worried," he explains. "You're pregnant. The prison is not a place where I like my wife to go, you see," he points out, looking suddenly very vulnerable.

"But well, why do you want to see her?"

Kitty thinks and then she formulates her words carefully. "I guess she must be really lonely there, inprisoned. I do not think she still has friends after that adventure. It must be awful for her. And I know how it feels when your whole environment and all your friends are turning their backs on you. I learned what it's like to be alone. That's why I want to see her, to let her know she's not entirely on her own."

Thomas suddenly understands that this, for Kitty, isn't only about Joan. It's also Kitty herself, struggling with her past, trying to do the right thing.

She looks at him with big, bright eyes and continues:

"I could have been a social outcast myself as well. A shamed woman, the risée..."

Thomas stops her by putting his hands on her cheeks. He pulls her head closer to his, looking into her eyes. Then he says: "There's nothing ashamed of you, darling. Nothing at all."

Kitty pulls her head back, looking at him while she says: "I would have done the same thing, you know. I mean, if you were a German, I would have gone through anything to hear something from or about you."

He looks at her an mutters: "I'm a Scot."

Kitty smiles: "Yes, I know. " She gives him a quick kiss and then she rises up to clean the table. Meanwhile, she says, "Let's both think about this, Thomas. "

He nods and stands up to help her with the dirty dishes.

* * *

The next day on his work, Thomas runs into Miles. Miles knows Thomas so long, he knows exactly when something is wrong and so he asks: "What's going on with you? No quarrels with the lady I hope?"

"Well, kind of," Thomas blurts out, immediately cursing himself. Why the hell does he say that against Miles?

"O, poor chap, the blessings of marriage, tell me all about it. Relieve your soul." Miles responds with a grin.

And Thomas tells him. About Joan, about Kitty and about her wish to visit Joan.

"I don't see the problem, I really don't, " says Miles.

"What?"utters Thomas. "What kind of a man do you think I am, to let my wife go to a place like that? I mean, it's not a pleasant place to be. And now, in her state." He falls suddenly silent, realizing that Miles is unaware of Kitty's pregnancy. Not that it's a secret, but he simply doesn't know yet.

Miles, of course, is alerted by the sudden silence of Thomas. He looks quizzically at Thomas's face and asks: "What is wrong with Kitty? Which state do you mean?"

"She's pregnant," responds Thomas.

"Well, congratulations," smiles Miles. "That's nice." He grins and says: "Father Tom. I guess I need some time to become used to the idea."

"Yes, it's wonderful. But it concerns me too," sighs Thomas.

"Well, you'll go with her, " says Miles. "Accompany her. Keep her safe. And I think it's a good thing to visit Joan. Send her my regards."

Thomas is flabbergasted. Why didn't he not get that idea himself?

"You see, you can't do without me, "says Miles proudly.

"Oh, stop it Miles," Thomas sights. "But thanks, it is really a good idea."

* * *

**Thank you for reading. I really hope you'll like this. As always, comments, questions, suggestions, all your feedback is ****_very, very _**** welcome! **


	4. Chapter 4

Joan has spent almost four years in prison now. It has been lonely years, she has had to work hard, but that was not the worst of the captivity. She was an outcast, a pariah. Everyone knew why she was in prison, because she had a German fiancé, because she had betrayed her country. At least, that was what her fellow inmates seemed to believe. And Joan could not explain that she was not a traitor. That she had only tried to meet and protect the man she loved.

But since nobody talks to her, only the jailors now and then, yelling commands or making degrading, humiliating comments, she has not been able to explain to someone what really was going on back then. At last, she she withdrew to her own cocoon, her own head and thoughts.

"Die Gedanken sind frei, wer kann sie erraten", a sentence that Anton her once had told, from an old German proscribed protest song, had become her guidance. "Thoughts are free, who can guess them?" And in her own, free thoughts, she drifted off to Anton, to the fact that he too had survived the war and that, somewhere in the future, there would be space for happiness for her and Anton. But it was still difficult to bear the present, jailed en humiliated.

She had not been visited often. Her mother is too old to, and her friends were too afraid, afraid to be regarded as traitors themselves.

Matron Carter did write her, though. And after the Armistice, she visited Joan several times. But Matron was now on her way to India, so Joan was surprised when one of the jailers had barked to her that she should come with him right away, because there were visitors for her.

She has no clue who might come to visit her. But it is a good break from the drudgery of the dull, grey days.

As she sits in the visiting room, she sees her visitors. It's Kitty and that captain, what's his name again? She remembers just in time, it's Gillan.

* * *

They're impressed by the big, sombre building. When they are entering through the gate, the gloom lies like a thick blanket over them. The sounds are loud and shrill, the light is dim and the whole ambience is really unfriendly.

They are both searched and Kitty's bag is searched by a prison guard. He finds a box of chocolates, which Kitty brought as a gift for Joan. He looks menacing at Kitty and asks: "Do you believe that she deserve these?"

Thomas answers calm: "That's not yours to judge." He looks in the man's eyes and after a moment the jailor turns his gaze away and Kitty gets the box of chocolates back.

They walk down the long hallway. When they're entering the visiting room, they see that Joan is already there. Lean, grey, with big eyes and a surprised smile on her face. She stands up and they shake hands.

"That's a wonderful surprise," says Joan. "I wasn't expecting any visitors. I mean, I'm happy to see you both."

She trails off and Kitty says: "You mean, you didn't expect the two of us together?"

"Yes, well, no, I think the two of you together is something that's beyond my imagination? I mean, I really didn't know this."

They're laughing and that takes some of the tension from all three of them, it's really strange to see each other again after all these years especially in these circumstances.

Joan says: "The prison has really killed my good manners. I'm sorry. I'm glad for you."

"Thank you, but how are you?" asks Kitty.

"Well, given the circumstances, I'm fine,"Joan says. She tells about the life in prison. "It's hard labour and dull. Really boring, in fact. But well, I'm in here for a reason. And that's what matters."

She tells about Anton. She writes him and she gets letters from him, but she hasn't seen him for four years now. "That's the hard part. But we survived, the war is over, it can't be long now before we will be together."

"And then? What are your plans?" Thomas asks.

Joan says that most likely, they're moving to Germany or France. "I can't work in England anymore, not after my time in jail. And I guess that's the same for Anton. So we have to build a life elsewhere."

They'll speak about their mutual friends, Flora, Rosalie, Miles. As Thomas conveys Miles's greetings, Joan smiles: "He's such a funny, sweet man," she says.

When the hour is – way too soon- passed by, they are summoned by the jailor to leave. They say goodbye to Joan and Kitty finds it heartbreaking to leave her here. But Joan reassures her and says: "It won't be long now, you know. The war is over and soon I will be free".

They promise to stay in touch. And then, Tomas and Kitty are outside the prison, on their way home. Along the street outside the prison, they found it strange to discover that the world just continues, colourful and full of life, after the grey and chilly atmosphere inside. They feel relieved and excited, like children, coming home after school.

Kitty turns towards Thomas and says: "Thank you, thank you for coming with me".

"No, I think it was very selfish of me to argue this" points Thomas out. "You were right. It was a good idea to visit Joan. Though I'm glad you were not alone here."

"But actually, you should really thank Miles. It was his idea after all".

"Well, we should ask him for dinner, then, " replies Kitty with a big smile on her face.

He can't help it, it isn't a proper thing to do in the middle of a street in the clear daylight, but he gives her a long and passionate kiss.

"Let's do that, let's ask Miles for dinner," he grins. "I'll peel your potatoes."

* * *

**Well, I hope you've enjoyed reading this. If so, please tell me. Also any other feed-back and/or suggestions are _very_ welcome.**


	5. Chapter 5

It's a Sunday night in late November. Tonight Miles came along. He often does that on Sundays, he comes at the end of the afternoon with a bottle of liquor under his arm, or a box of chocolates, and stays all night. He eats with them, plays sometimes chess with Thomas, or they're talking and drinking. Miles tells them about his endless conquests and entertains them with gossips and crazy stories.

And this night, Joan and Anton also turned up unexpectedly. They're free from prison, now for a few months, and they're still living in London. They meet each other regularly and to Thomas's amazement, he and Anton are getting along very good.

So they passed the evening with them fives, by talking, listening, laughing and discussion. It was a pleasant evening, Kitty thinks when she is already lying in bed.

She dozes off, Thomas comes in from the bathroom in his pajamas, ready to go to bed. Then Kitty, suddenly wide awake, says: "Hey."

Thomas: "What is it?"

"Your son kicked me."

"My daughter," says Thomas plain.

Kitty smiles, as Thomas sits down on the edge of the bed, placing his hands on her belly, asking: "Where?"

Kitty lays his hand on the right spot and he feels it too. A little, soft plop on the inside of his hand. He smiles and says with satisfaction: "In any case, a true living little Scot."

Kitty thinks aloud: "I'm getting horribly thick actually. Your son will become a big, heavy baby. "

"Daughter," said Thomas unperturbed. "A robust Scottish lass."

"Does it matter to you what it is ?" asks Kitty.

Thomas says tenderly: "No, honey, as long as everything goes well for you, it doesn't matter to me, Even though you'll deliver five sons at once, I will be glad when you and the baby are healthy. "

Kitty rolls her eyes and says: "Wow, you have really big ideas. Thanks, but no, thank you."

"Okay, one boy then. And the rest of them girls," he teases with a smooth face. He puts his head along her belly, listens and says: "The sound of that heart is like a small locomotive."

Kitty smiles and tosses her hands through his hair.

"We too need to think about names."

"No, we don't, " says Thomas.

Kitty looks surprised: "Huh?"

"We just call her Kitty. It's the most beautiful name there is, isn't it?" He grins, gets up and dodges the pillow that she throws at him.

"What on earth have you been drinking tonight?" she asks him. "You're impossible."

He stretches, yawns, puts the large light off and gets into bed. "Nothing," he says innocently." Miles and Anton were doing the drinking for me."

"Can't believe that."

She switches her bedside lamp off. It is dim in the room. She crawls against him, he wraps his arms round her, yawns again and says: "Honey, I've got you, I don't need anything else to feel good."

"Mm-mm" she says.

* * *

The next day on his work, Thomas is walking in a hurry down the hallway, a stack of files under his arm, back from a meeting. He hates it, he is not good at meetings. Ideally, he is in the operating room, and he practices what he's good at. But unfortunately, meetings are a part of his job.

He nearly collides against a man in a wheelchair. He mumbles a quick apology and wants to go through, when the man looks at him and says, "Well, well, captain Gillan. Now I finally have the opportunity to thank you."

He looks at the man and sees something familiar, but doesn't know who he exactly is. So many men who have gone under his hands, he can't remember them all.

Then this man says: "Crecy, Boulogne, Fall 1915," and Thomas know. The Major who lost his legs and tried to bleed to death by removing his dressings.

"Ah yes," he says. "Major Crecy. How do you do."

"Good," said Crecy. "Thanks to you then. Maybe you can't recall, but at the time I wasn't so happy that you had saved me. Now, however, after a few years, I'm glad that I'm not in a grave somewhere in France. "

"So, thank you."

"You're welcome," says Thomas.

Crecy asks: "And what about you? You've left the military I see? "

"Yes, after the war."

"I heard you're married? With that girl Trevelyan? "

Thomas is silent. He thinks, frowns, to what refers that man? "Yes," he stated briefly. "We're married."

"Good thing," says Crecy. "Well, if you'll excuse me? Since today I'm on the Board of Directors of this hospital. I was on my way to a meeting "

Thomas steps aside, Crecy wants to roll away, waits a moment and then says, "I meant it, Gillan. I am in your debt."

"I was only doing my job, sir," says Thomas shortly. "But thank you."

Then Crecy rolls on and Thomas goes back to his work.

In the evening, he talks about it with Kitty. She remembers Major Crecy and especially his wife: "That day I got the letter from my mother, in which she told me that I am dead to her," she says. "I had that letter to be read to her."

"Really?"

"Yes. Perhaps that's why she remembers?"

"Possible"

She changes the subject: "Thomas, there is a letter from your mother. She's asking for us to come to Glasgow at Christmas. What do you think of that idea? "

"What do you think?"

"I think it's a great idea. Then I can finally meet your sisters. And Christmas in London, I do not really want to think about that," she says with a gloomy face.

"How were your Christmases when you were young?"

"Going to the church, unpack presents, well, if there were any presents. However, we went to the Christmas party of the Sunday school. I've got my first orange there." He smiles at the thought.

"And yours?"

"When I was a child, I loved Christmas. It was fun. Presents under the tree, my grandparents came, my brothers were home from boarding school, so much happened in the house.

With Elliot, well, Christmas was mostly boring. And when Sylvie grew up," she holds back, frowns her forehead, thinks back.

"You know what," she then says quickly, "Let's go to Glasgow with Christmas. Let's create some new memories there. It'll be nice." She pushes the thoughts of Sylvie away and smiles at him.

He looks at her thoughtfully. "Sylvie," he says, "That's the reason you don't want to stay in London for Christmas, isn't it?"

"Yes," she replies.

"Perhaps I need to get used to the idea that I will never get to see her again. Maybe she thinks I'm dead, or that I didn't love her anymore, or whatever they have said to her. Maybe she's forgotten me.

It is now more than four years since I've seen her. I wouldn't even recognize my own child, I think, if I would see her. And she will certainly not recognize me "

He stands up and sits down on the arm of her chair, his arm over her shoulder: "She has not forgotten you. A child never forgets his own mother."

They both fall silent for a moment. Kitty thinks on her mother. Would her own mother still be thinking about her? She does not know.

"You know, I want us to have a good time at Christmas. It's not fair to wish that things were different. We live now, in the here and now. We, the two of us, the baby," she says. "Apparently I associate Christmas in London with Sylvie. With sadness too. And although I will never forget her, I also want us to be happy."

He hugs her close to him: "Maybe, fate will turn. Don't give up your hope on her."

She shakes her head. "I will not."

"Are you sure you can manage?" he then asks, as he puts his hand on her pregnant belly.

"Oh yes," she says. "We'll manage."

There's a wandering thought in his mind, something with that Crecy today, what was it that man said again? He pushes the thought away, stands up and says: "So, Christmas in Glasgow then, well, let's do it ."

* * *

So, I hope you've enjoyed reading this. If so, please tell me. Any feed-back, comments, questions are _very_ welcome!

And thank you for your review, Kate!


	6. Chapter 6

Kitty and Joan are sitting together in a restaurant for tea. They've spent their afternoon by shopping together. Kitty sighs, she is tired, the baby is kicking her ribs and she puts her hand on her belly. "Sjsjsjs little one," she thinks. Joan looks at it, Kitty sees it "He's awake."

Whereupon Joan asks: "He? You already know that it's a boy then?"

"Yes, I think it's a boy," said Kitty. "A very big boy, given the huge belly that I have now already. And Thomas is convinced that it's a girl," she says with an endearing smile. "Well, we'll see what happens."

Joan tells about Anton and their upcoming wedding. It is a tricky issue because Anton is not an Englishman, and it is not clear whether Joan, after her marriage, can retain her British nationality.

So they will probably remain a little longer in England, to sort things out. But they have plans to move to Germany and Anton wants to live in Berlin.

"I dont have much left in England," says Joan then. "And the family of Anton lives in Berlin. He can find work there, it's far more difficult for him to find a job in England._"_

"That's too bad," says Kitty. "I'll understand though, but I think it's just so nice that the two of you are living in London."

"Well, people do strange things out of love," says Joan. "I could have never imagined that I would move to Germany, off all places."

"It is selfish of me, I know," Kitty says. "You know, I miss friends, maybe even family. In France, there were always people around me, and although London is a big city, I can feel pretty lonely, sometimes."

"And it does not compare with what you did for Anton," she adds then softly, thinking of the years that Joan spent in prison.

"But, I would also go to the end of the worlds with Thomas," she says. She smiles at the thought of him.

"Aren't we the lucky ones, then?" asks Joan.

"Yes," she says, knowing on what Joan is referring. "Yes, we certainly are."

* * *

At the end of the afternoon she goes home. Thomas is already at home, she sees. She opens the door and stumbles, laden with packages and bags inside. "Hello honey," she calls.

Thomas appears in the door, watches her and laughs: "Goodness, don't you not have enough to drag around?" he asks amused.

She walks into the room, puts everything on the table and unbuttons her coat.

"Yes, I know, it's a lot. For the baby, Christmas presents," she says, almost apologetically.

He takes her coat, kisses her quickly and aks: "You've enjoyed your afternoon, then?"

"It was nice. How was your day? "

"Good, " he says absently, viewing the post, and Kitty decides to clean up her purchases . She puts some stuff in the closet, and is daydreaming, when she's holding a tiny hair brush. Would the baby have hair? How will he look like? Will he look like Thomas? Or her? Or a mixture of both of them?

Then she hears Thomas: "Letter for you," he says. She puts the brush aside and looks at the letter that Thomas hands her. A heavy white envelope with her full name written on it. She frowns, trying to recognize the handwriting. But she has no idea who the sender is, so she quickly opens the letter.

"_Catherine,_

_I'm writing you to inform you that our mother is very ill and has likely not much time to live. She has expressed her desire to see you before she __passes away._

_Be so kind to contact me,_

_your brother, _

_William Trevelyan."_

She sits down, gasping for breath and reads the letter once more.

"That is incredible," she says and let the letter sink.

"What is it?" asks Thomas absorbed in his newspaper.

"Here, read it," says Kitty, and she gives him the letter.

He reads the letter and looks at her.

"I was recently thinking of her, when we were talking about Sylvie," she says. "I wondered if my own mother would sometimes think of me. But I've never, ever imagined this. Not in my wildest fantasies."

"What do you want to do?" asks Thomas.

Her mother. She sighs at the thought of her. What will she say? Will she curse her one last time? Or will she forgive her? And why does her mother ask for her now? Her mother had declared her dead, and now, she's dying herselve. Possibly, that's why, she reckons.

"I want to go there," says Kitty, determined. "She's my mother, she is dying apparently. I cannot ignore it, now can I?"

She thinks of her two brothers, William and George. She barely knows them. As a child she was very fond of them, but after their father died, her brothers married and her contact with them was different, ultimately diluted, and in the end they cut the ties through.

Thomas faces at her and sees her tighten, her face distant and haughty. Like she was when he saw her for the first time. As if she is in a different reality.

Then Kitty looks at Thomas. She smiles, a fast, small smile, "Sorry, the past haunts my mind," she says, sighing.

"Will you go with me?" she then asks him.

"Sure," says Thomas. "I won't let you go alone."

* * *

He sees them coming. Kitty, with her new husband. His little sister, years younger than himself. He remembers the day that she was born. When he was at boarding school and his younger brother, George, too.

They were boys then, twelve and fourteen years old. But when they got home, they were blazing enthusiastic about that little sister. And after that, it was not so bad to go back to that cold, chilly household, with their strict father and their silent, aloof mother.

Because from then on, Kitty was always there, a little thing, sparkling with life, curious, scared of nothing and nobody. She loved them without conditions, he devises. Such a sweet little thing, more or less ignored by her parents, cherished by her brothers. What went wrong?

He knows it, of course. After the death of his father, his mother withdraw, overwhelmed with grief. He got married and so did George.

Kitty was left alone with their mother. Nobody was really interested in her. Until his mother arranged a marriage for her.

And Kitty was not happy in that marriage, so much he did know. But what should he have done about that? He is not exactly happily married himself, unfortunately, but he and his wife have resigned themselves to it and they're keeping the outside appearances up. Like so many other couples are doing, as far as he knows.

But Kitty caused a scandal of unprecedented proportions.

He sighs, pushes the thoughts of that away. Along with his guilty feelings, knowing that he did not help her when she needed it. And knowing that Elliot, that man, wasn't such a gentleman as they've expected. At least not for Kitty.

Then he goes to greet them. Kitty looks tense. Her husband is severe, gives him a firm handshake and looks him into the eyes.

* * *

Kitty is nervous. She has her mask of aloofness on, the way to guard herself against all the memories that come to her, now she's back in the family home after such a long time.

Upon entering the house, she found the old butler, Mr. Brown, who greeted her warmly: "Miss Catherine, it is good to see you." Kitty smiled at him, unable to say something. And once inside, in the library, waiting for the things to come, she feels her heart pounding in her throat. She looks at Thomas, who is standing next to her, and reaches out for his hand.

Then the door opens and there is William, her eldest brother. A tall man with graying hair and a tired face. He greets them, they're sitting down and William tells about their mother.

She has been ill for some time, it appears. The last few weeks it runs downhill with her, she delivers an occasional high fever and lies then deliriously, calling for Kitty. "I could not stand it anymore," says William. "So I asked her if she wanted to see you, and that's what she desired. Hence the letter. And now you're here, " He is quiet for a while and then he asks: "Do you want to see her, Kitty?"

"Yes, otherwise I would not have come here, William," she replies.

"Well, let's go to her then," William says, as he rises.

Kitty nods and looks at Thomas. William says quickly: "Just the two of us, Kitty, I'm sorry Mr. Gillan, but my mother is an old, proud woman."

And so Kitty walks along with William, and Thomas remains in the library.

* * *

When Kitty enters her mothers room, she is startled by the old woman lying in bed. Is that what's left of that proud, stately woman? She walks over to the bed and says softly: "Mother."

The woman in bed slowly opens her eyes. She looks incredulously at Kitty and says, "Catherine. Is that really you? "

"Yes, it's me," she replies.

Her mother sights: "Oh." She reaches out her hand and gestures that Kitty should sit down, in a chair beside the bed.

Then her mother says: "William, if you could give us a moment?"

William nods and leaves the room.

Kitty sits silently beside her mother's bed. She listens while her mother, softly and haltingly, speaks to her.

"I'm dying, Catherine. And in the face of death, one does think about matters that are really important.

A mother can not forget her own child. That's an impossible task.

I declared you dead, but you eventually became more alive in my mind. I tried to forget you, tried not to think about you. But you are my child. How could I forget you?"

She falls silent, closes her eyes and she seems to faint, fall asleep maybe, but after a few moments, she talks further.

"I really couldn't understand," she sighs and then says "I want to ask you for your forgiveness. I want to die in peace. For though I do not understand anything of what you did, that is not necessary, you are my child. That's what counts. And I do wish that I never had written that letter."

Kitty listens quietly to her mother and what she never expected, and also from her mother's mouth, has never, ever heard before, she hears now.

Her mother, asking for her forgiveness!?

She thinks about that letter from her mother, and remembers the letters that she herself sent to her mother. The letters in which she said that she was desperate, in which she prayed and begged for forgiveness, for one word, for a sign of life from Sylvie.

She never received it.

And while she thinks back to it, here, in the room of her mother, in the home of her childhood, she is overcome by a sudden wave of sadness. She feels the sting of tears behind her eyes.

Then she faces her mother, and she realises what a self-overcoming task this must be for her mother, to ask her this.

How can she not forgive her? What would be the point of that? How can she refuse to give away something, what she has asked to receive for herself?

And so, she gives to her mother the forgiveness, for which she has begged and pleaded for herself:

"Mother," she says. "Mother, I forgive you."

She sobs and lays her head on the bed.

Her mother opens her eyes and looks at her: "Thank you, my child," she whispers, as her hand is stroking Kitty's hair.

* * *

So, what do you think of this? I really hope that you all have enjoyed reading this! As always, suggestions, feed-back and comments are very welcome.


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